With the temperatures getting colder, I was just wondering what everybody keeps their thermostat at?  Usually mine is set to under 65, but I also live in an apt, so I can live off some of the other people’s heat.  In other news though, my power bill for this month was about a third of the price as it was a year ago.

I was walking back from one of the buildings that I tend to, to my office earlier today (consequently, my office is located right next to the dorms), and I overheard a conversation someone was having.  Actually, I didn’t overhear it, I was made a part of it because she was blabbing on her cell phone, but that’s another topic.  Anyways, it was obvious she was talking to her parents, and she was talking about various aspects of school.  The one that really caught my attention though was when she started talking about how difficult UIUC was.

Somehow, she then progressed on to how the engineering school is practically impossible.  At times, it was hard to not to laugh out loud.  But wait folks, it gets better.  Because the engineering school is so hard, that is why there aren’t any females in it.  It’s because they can’t take the pressure.  Now, at this point, I’m starting to think to myself, “What makes males and females different that one can take the pressure, and the other can’t?”  Granted, I’m not a female, so I can’t really say anything from their perspective, but from mine I can’t think of any.  I was tempted to turn around and just flat out ask if she thought females were less competent than males, because that’s the impression I was getting.  Then, she went on to talk about how she has a bunch of friends that were going to be doctors, but because of their grades, they weren’t going to be able to follow that path, and instead become nurses.

Now, in my mind, this girl was obviously a freshman, along with many of her friends.  It just seemed like such a closed-minded thing to be babbling about.  It definitely made me wonder what her major is because after she talked about her friends wanting to be doctors, she started fighting with the person on the other end about her not wanting to be a pharmacist, but instead a medical researcher. 

I don’t know, that sounds like a lot of pressure, you think you can handle it?  I mean, you are female. 🙄

Ugh, my mind is racing about things that have happened this evening, and because of it I cannot sleep.  Granted, this is the topic that I didn’t want to talk about in the previous post, but hopefully by doing so, I’ll be able to sleep.  Hopefully.

Today, I noticed Colleen’s most recent post on her website.  Hell, I even left a comment.  Obviously, I’m not a dumb cookie, and figured that she was dating someone.  No biggie.  So, we went out to dinner tonight (previously planned), and of course the topic of who she was dating came up.  Needless to say, I knew she was long before her post, and hell, I even knew who (I’m so proud of myself).  Then I dropped her off at her place and headed home.

Wow, that’s when something horrible hit me.  I don’t know why, but it hurt.  What makes it even worse was that, in my mind, there’s no reason it should.  I mean, it has been 5 months since we broke up.  This sadness then, in turn, made me quite angry.  I mean yeah, I’ve cared for no one as much as her, but still, its been close to half a year.  We’ve both gotten on with our lives.  Why am I still feeling this way?  When will it end?  I don’t want to not be her friend or not hang out with her because of these screwed up feelings I’m having.  But then again, we all know how well bottled up feelings go over (haha).

I really don’t know what else to say about it, nor what to do, it’s quite aggravating.  I’m not really sad about it anymore, but whenever I lay down to sleep I just see her and this other guy.  That cannot be healthy.  Maybe by getting it out of my system by writing it down here will help?  Man, I hope so, otherwise work tomorrow is going to be extremely rough.

I was talking to a friend this evening about something I wish I could share on here, but unfortunately, for many reason I won’t, and she asked me why don’t I keep a journal?  To that I responded that a journal doesn’t do anything, and that I want to hear the feedback of others to ensure that I am normal and to find out what other people do in similar situations. 

I suppose this is why I keep a website and blog.  I know that I’ve touched on this before, but every week seems to bring me to a different part of posting on my website.  Currently, it allows me to write about things, but then I can also find out what other people think.  I’m guessing that’s why I didn’t like the first incarnations of rebelpeon.com, because there was no way to get feedback.  In that context it was just a journal, but everyone can see it. 

Now, some people think that I don’t seem to censor my online thoughts here at rebelpeon.com.  However, contrary to their belief, I do.  I know the people that read this site, and because of that, I do have to be careful on what I write.  There are times, like tonight, I wish I could write about whatever I want and still get the same benefits.  However, to do that would require starting another website and updating it.  Plus, that website would be totally anonymous, which would mean I would have no readers (not like I have many now…) and would totally defeat my purpose. 

Oh well, in other news, something big will hopefully be coming down the pike for me.  I hope to find out soon, and it will make so many things that I’m unhappy about right now go away.  More on that as details emerge though.